Two Pink Lines
Friday, September 11, 2015
Good morning! Happy Friday! I thought I'd kick off today with a post about the day we found out we were pregnant with Miss Zoe.
The beautiful day we saw those two pink lines was one of a hundred different emotions.
Back in March, at 9 weeks pregnant, we lost a baby due to a subchorionic hemorrhage. The bleed caused the placenta to detach from my uterine wall. It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life. I struggled a lot with processing and understanding what happened that night and how it was going to affect us.
We had tried very strategically to get pregnant that time.
With Aria we just estimated what we thought was my fertile window, and we were off, so it took a little while. We were hoping that if I could gauge my ovulation more accurately, it could be faster this time.
I was tracking my cycle, taking notes every day on my cervical mucus and cervix position. I knew exactly when I was ovulating, when to have sex and what my fertile window was. We waited for it and then we went for it. I was pregnant within a month. We felt so lucky!
After losing the baby I felt broken. Mentally, emotionally and even physically. On one hand I wanted to be pregnant again right that minute, while on the other hand, I couldn't imagine going through the process of trying for a baby again.
I started Crossfit as a distraction and stayed as busy as possible at home, which is not hard with a toddler. I would take care of Aria all day and then go to the 7:30pm Crossfit class, so that I would get home utterly exhausted at 9pm and completely pass out.
Pj and I talked about the baby often. Even though we spoke openly about him, it still felt like a burning pain in my belly when we brought him up.
As the weeks went by, we started smiling more and we got back into a routine of our lives. We were't going to try for another baby for a while. We weren't there emotionally.
Being intimate after a loss can be difficult at first. Knowing such a beautiful act could result in something so painful, made it difficult to want to be intimate. We were trying to navigate our way through that. We were working very hard to stay close and connected in as many ways as possible.
Fast forward a month...
One afternoon I felt really crummy and I told Pj I thought I was getting sick, so I went and made some tea. I started thinking..."Could I be pregnant?"
No way. That's insane.
We've only been together one time since losing the baby.
I never even got my period back.
That isn't even possible....
I better take a test just to be sure.
I sat in the bathroom with the test and took it...while Aria bounced around playing with her new potty. Taking her potty apart and reassembling it.
After two long minutes I saw the two pink lines clear as day and I began shaking. I picked Aria up and ran upstairs to Pj who was in the shower. In a quivering voice I said "I'm not sick. I'm pregnant!" and then I sat down on the floor with tears streaming down my face. Aria put her head on my shoulder and patted my back. She is so incredibly sweet like that.
Everything was so beautiful and so scary in that moment.
I'm so unbelievably thankful that Zoe came into our lives in such an unexpected way. She was made during true healing moments of love. She is our love. Our love while overcoming something hard, together. She was meant to be ours and we were meant to be hers.
She's our beautiful rainbow.